“Master of Martial Hearts” Review

Oh my God, what the hell did I just watch?!

OK so… Master of Martial Hearts (also known as Zettai Shougeki ~Platonic Heart~) is a 5-episode Original Video Animation anime made by Studio ARMS. The enitre series is currently available on DVD from FUNimation Entertainment. It’s also available on Netflix since I just watched this via streaming.

This review contains spoilers, so read at your own discretion.

The plot is about this girl named Aya Iseshima and her best friend Natsume Honma and they run into a miko named Miko Kazuki.

You think I’m kidding? I’m serious here, she’s a miko named Miko. Subtle. In-series, she says it’s just a coincidence, but I say bullshit to that.

Anyway, they find Miko *sigh* in the middle of a fistfight with a stewardess. And for whatever reason, every single punch landed rips off some of their clothing. I don’t know how exactly that works, but whatever. It turns out that Miko is participating in a all-female fighting tournament where the combatants are looking for a special jewel called the Platonic Heart, which is said to grant its owner its one wish.

Miko wants this thing so she can wish to have friends, and Aya and Natsume decide to be Miko’s friends so she won’t have to fight anymore. D’aww that’s sweet. 🙂 After that, Miko decides to drop out of the tournament.

Well, I guess show’s over. I’ll see you guys next– Oh wait, that’s just the first episode. As it turns out Miko goes missing, and Aya suddenly finds herself fighting in her place so she can find Miko. She ends up fighting against the last people she would suspect, for example her own teacher who uses chemistry as her attacks. Yeah. Also the stewardess uses airplane puns. I’m talking about the kind of stuff 4Kids writes.

And that’s the gist of it. Aya meets her opponent, who comes shit outta nowhere to fight, fight happens, clothes get ripped, Aya wins somehow, some other stuff happens for about a few episodes. Yeah, there’s pretty much no real plot to this thing, little to no character development whatsoever, the animation is inconsistent on the character designs, so it’s subpar at its best,  just the same damn thing until Episode 5.

And about Episode 5… Oh, Jesus. Should you manage not to drop the show up to this point, you will be totally unprepared for what happens.

The second half of Episode 5 is… Oh my God. I don’t want to say anything. Well, not only did all the participants enter the Martial Hearts tournament for good intentions like helping out loved ones only to have all of their hopes and dreams shattered by Aya and eventually turned into sex slaves, but it turns out that the whole tournament was just one big convoluted revenge plot against Aya set up by the whole entire main cast.

I. Am dead. Fucking. Serious here.

Miko, Natsume and her brother whom Aya has a thing for; all of them were in on it. I can’t quite explain it in full detail because it’s so convoluted and every single reveal piles up to the point that it comes off as one big screwed up plot, and in the end, everyone except for Aya is dead. I can say for certain that this has got to be the most fucked up ending I’ve ever seen in an anime.

I cannot recommend this show to anyone. Even with the crazy as shit ending, I just can’t recommend it. I went into this show knowing it wouldn’t be good. To say it was bad… would be an understatement. This anime has broken me. Now if you actually want to see this, whatever. Don’t let this review stop you from doing so, but if you decide to watch, set expectations to the lowest possible setting.

I think I need to go kill myself now.

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