Sword Art Online #13 & #14: Sword Art Offline

Kirito can’t give two shits about this episode. I think Asuna does, but anyone with a working brain wouldn’t give two shits about Asuna.

Today, on Sword Art Online tsuritama: Kirito goes fishing, but there’s no aliens or a pet duck.

And Sword Art Online comes to an end.

The episode starts with Kirito at the lake, having no luck catching a bite. He meets a fisherman named Nishida, who was the head of network security for a internet company, including the network security for the game.

Single-frames: They’re not just for fight scenes.

So, to sum up the first third in a nutshell: There’s a really huge fish in the lake… At least I think it’s a fish. I don’t know, it looks like a cross between a frog and a fish to me. Anyway, Kirito fishes it out and Asuna kills it.

There. I just summed up 8 minutes in less than one, and nothing of any relevance was accomplished. And don’t even get me started on that “The reason I put on the NerveGear that day was just so I could meet Kirito-kun” bullshit Asuna spews out.

Saya Kisaragi of Blood-C also made that same promise. Look how great that turned out.

This episode of tsuritama closes with Heathcliff sending Kirito a message that he and Asuna needs to quit wasting time and get back to the front lines. And now we’re back to Sword Art Online. Whoop-de-freakin’-doo…

It’s time to tackle a high-level boss. Since they won’t be able to use teleportation crystals in the boss room, Kirito asks Asuna not to participate in the upcoming battle.

I never thought I had to post that image, but yeah. It’s gotten that bad. I knew these two characters were dull, but now they’re inconsistent for no reason, especially Asuna. She went from being capable of handling herself in combat to just plain weak. If they were convincing characters, then maybe I’d be fine with it. But they’re not. On a side note, I honestly wouldn’t care less if Asuna commited suicide. Also, now of all times do they worry about their real bodies. I’m pretty sure most people already pieced it together after one or two episodes in.

OK, we’re at Floor 75, where the boss is. The two protagonists are welcomed by the entire fighting force giving them the stink eye and Klein and Egil, which are probably the only two characters I like besides Silica. I miss Silica… 😦 When they enter the room, they find the boss above them, just like the arachnid bosses in The Legend of Zelda.

The Skull Reaper (Why do all the bosses have The in its name?) is a very powerful boss. It One-Hit KOs several players in no time and it’s got 5 health bars! Also, we’re playing the drinking game: Remember, swig for every single-frame in an action sequence. I counted seven in four minutes! Hope your kidney’s okay. This was a bad idea…

Kirito and Asuna make their attack while Heathcliff, Klein, and Egil focus on distracting The Skull Reaper, weakening it to about 1% of its HP left. The entire force Zerg Rushes the boss and finishes it off.

You have defeated UltraTech’s low end, garbage, obsolete, floor model, weak, on the verge of extinction, barely mobile, only can do a 5 hit combo, pathetic, yesterday’s news end boss.
I hope you’re happy with yourself!
Maybe you should up the stakes for a real challenge.

Although the battle is won, fourteen players lost their lives, and they only have 25 more floors to go. Kirito discovers one thing about Heathcliff when he makes an attack on him: He’s actually an Immortal Object; the game is designed so that he loses no less than a third of his HP. Kirito reveals that Heathcliff is actually Akihiko Kayaba, the game’s creator and the Final Boss; he figured this out after their previous duel when he moved so fast that Kirito couldn’t catch up.

Kayaba puts paralysis on everyone except Kirito so he can fight him in a one-on-one battle to the death. Naturally, that means he has to deactivate his Immortal Object status. After realizing all the people he let die and all the unnecessary episodes, Kirito decides not to run away and step up.

I know this show sucks at humor, but I actually found this pretty funny. Klein is such a bro.

He accepts his challenge on one condition: If he loses, make sure Asuna doesn’t go suicidal. Wow, somebody’s actually using his head for once. The battle begins and much to my surprise, the fight is fully animated. Not a single still-frame in sight. Makes you wonder if all the other fight scenes before had lower budgets than this one. Anyway, Kirito ends up breaking his Dark Repulsor trying to break through Kayaba’s defenses and when he seems to be left open for Kayaba to make a killing strike…

Asuna jumps in, somehow forgetting about the paralysis placed on her, and takes the blow, bring an end to her life. With his girl, his will to fight, and his ability to properly swing a sword gone, Kirito stands helplessly as Kayaba impales him and can only watch as his HP drops to zero…

Game Over

But with his last ounce of strength power of protagonist immortality, he comes back from the dead to take Kayaba with him. The battle ends with both combatants dead. The game is cleared. And we get to see Silica again! XD

Kirito, Asuna, and Kayaba awaken in… somewhere I don’t know exactly where, but the scenery is great. They watch below as Aincrad collapses. Kayaba states that SAO’s mainframe is doing a total deletion of the game. The remaining 6,147 players were already logged out. When asked what his motivation for creating this deadly game, Kayaba states that even he has no idea. Heh, 3,958 people lost their lives and I wasted some precious weekends on this show because the Big Bad has no reason for it. What a troll.

He states that he only wanted to create a world that surpasses the laws of this world. He states that Kirito and Asuna have surpassed even the laws of his own world and congratulates them for clearing the game before setting off. Who gives a shit? It was all worthless in the end!!

As Kirito and Asuna are about to disappear along with the game, they both tell each other their full names. I’ve already mentioned Kirito’s name before (Kazuto Kirigaya). Asuna’s name is Asuna Yuuki. She’s 17, one year older than Kazuto. And she was worried about being a shotacon all this time? God, she’s dumb.

It seems as though they had died, but Kazuto awakens in the real world inside of a hospital. No explanation on how he’s still alive, though. And I was right, his body is frail and he looks half-dead.

…also he’s grown a mullet. Kazuto should keep his hair like that. He looks so much cooler that way.

The episode ends with Kazuto stepping out of his room in search of Asuna, even though he shouldn’t even be moving at all due to muscular atrophy, but he’s the protagonist so muscular atrophy isn’t worth a damn to him.

Well, I guess show’s ending here, right? Nope, we still have 11 more episodes left. Hahahaha… Oh, God help me…

The whole first half of Episode 13 was just padding. I didn’t find it at all interesting and it only served to waste more time. And Asuna starts to really grate on me at that point, if I didn’t already stand her before.

Now Episode 14: Half-assed and filled with deus ex machina. Terrible end to a terrible arc of a terrible show. From now on, I’m only watching it and blogging it just to see how worse it’ll get over the next season.

Fuck you, Sword Art Online!!!!!

3 thoughts on “Sword Art Online #13 & #14: Sword Art Offline

  1. YouDontKnowHowToRateShows

    Why are you writing a report on SAO if you even dont like the anime? This doesnt make any sense. Also this is poorly written. An expert rates an anime/ a show etc. objectively, not with own feelings and shit.

    1. DarkstarZero Post author

      First of all, I think the word you’re looking for is “subjective” (writing based on one’s own opinions). “Objective” is writing based on cold hard facts.

      Second of all, what’s so special about SAO that its fans want to defend it so badly? I never understood that. With any other show, it’s like “So you don’t like it. OK, carry on.” But SAO? It’s always “Stop not liking what I like!!” It’s not even worth defending, if you ask me.


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