Well, we’ve survived the supposed apocalypse (I think) to reach our own half-hour-long apocalypse. After this, we no longer have to even think about Sword Art Online for as long as we live and whenever someone mentions this or Reki Kawahara, we’ll just laugh at how much of a joke they are.
But before we start, I’d like to present to you…
50 Romantic Couples Infinitely Better Than Kirito and Asuna
- Ron and Hermoine (Harry Potter)
- Edward and Bella (Twilight)
- Anakin and Padme (Star Wars prequels)
- Inuyasha and Kagome (InuYasha)
- Fox and Krystal (Star Fox)
- Thor and Jane (Thor)
- Ed and Winry (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood)
- Heero and Relena (Mobile Suit Gundam Wing)
- Casshern and Lyuze (Casshern Sins)
- Okabe and Kurisu (Steins;Gate)
- Link and Zelda (The Legend of Zelda)
- Zael and Calista (The Last Story)
- Ririchiyo and Miketsukami (Inu × Boku Secret Service)
- Neo and Trinity (The Matrix)
- Vegeta and Bulma (Dragon Ball Z)
- Panty and Brief (Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt)
- Liu Kang and Kitana (Mortal Kombat films)
- Ayumu and Eucliwood (Kore wa Zombie desu ka?)
- Rufus and Cathy (Trapped in the Closet)
- Johnny and Lisa (The Room)
- Renton and Eureka (Eureka Seven)
- Lloyd and Colette (Tales of Symphonia)
- Tusk and Maya (Killer Instinct 2)
- Suzaku and Euphie (Code Geass)
- Snake and Meryl (Metal Gear Solid)
- Homer and Marge (The Simpsons)
- Seven and Lotus (9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors)
- Shu and Inori (Guilty Crown)
- Wolfwood and Millie (Trigun)
- Hyde and Jackie (That ’70s Show)
- Tommy and Kimberly (Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers)
- Buzz and Jessie (Toy Story)
- Matt and Sora (Digimon Adventure 02)
- Marty and Jennifer (Back to the Future)
- Scott and Ramona (Scott Pilgrim)
- Donkey and Dragon (Shrek)
- Ichigo and Orihime (Bleach)
- Romeo and Juliet
- Yukiteru and Yuno (Future Diary)
- Otonashi and Angel (Angel Beats!)
- Yu and every single girl. Yes, even Nanako. (Persona 4)
- Speed and Trixie (Speed Racer)
- Hayate and Yugao (Naruto)
- Roger and Jessica (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)
- Takumu and Chiyuri (Accel World)
- Andy and Allison (The Breakfast Club)
- Simba and Nala (The Lion King)
- Enzo and AndrAIa (ReBoot)
- Tsubaki and Urabe (Mysterious Girlfriend X)
- Sakamoto and Himiko (BTOOOM!)
I could list more, but I’ll leave it up to you. Now let us end this once and for all.
Beginning where we last left off, Kazuto is hoofing it over to the hospital. When he gets to the parking lot, he is attacked by a knife-wielding Sugou, who has really seen better days… Seriously, his right eye is all bloodshot, blind and vein-y. Kinda Body Horror-ish.
Kazuto tries to tell him to give himself up and stand trial, but Sugou isn’t listening, saying that he can still continue his research, but first, he’s planning to kill Kazuto.
As Sugou tries to lay the killing strike, Kazuto disarms him, using the arm that should be numb from blood loss!!!! OK, you know what? As I’m typing this, I’m a bit drunk. Then again, watching this show for 25 weeks has made me do it. Anyway, Kazuto takes the knife and plans to murder Sugou with it, therefore beginning his descent into the Dark Side and becoming the human that’s worse than Kayaba and Sugou put together.
But, either to not become the villain he is or to spare the viewers from witnessing yet another death by slit throat (From an actually good series. Damn you, Makishima!), Kazuto lets Sugou go and let the proper authorities deal with him, and be reunited what what’s-her-face.
We jump to about a year and a half later where Kazuto is attending a special school designed to educate the surviving SAO players. This was alluded to a few episode back, but, y’know, tentacle rape. Also, it was stated that what’s-her-face is still in the rehabilitation process. Here’s the problem: She was comatose longer than Kazuto, but it took him only two months to get back on his feet. She’s still in rehab. Fuck it. My patience with this show has run out at this point and my anger has reached critical mass.
After Sugou was arrested and questioned, the 300+ players that didn’t escape from SAO awoke, having no memory of their memories being altered. Other VRMMOs, however, suffered an even worse fate. With RCT taking full responsiblility for Sugou’s actions, ALO was shut down as a result and other MMOs would soon follow suit. So yeah, more people will eventually lose their jobs because of some jackass. Oh and Kayaba? He’s a virtual ghost now.
We finally see some actually good characters for once, Silica (real name Keiko Ayano) berating Lizbeth (real name Rika Shinozaki) who’s complaining about not nailing Kazuto/Kirito when she had the chance. Anyway, a party with Kazuto’s friends is being held in celebration of Kirito clearing SAO at the bar run by Agil (real name Andrew Gilbert Mills).
Some attendees are actually good characters, like Klein (real name Ryoutaro Tsuboi). Others I’ve seem to have forgotten because the show never bothers to give them any focus because they’re not a Gary Stu or Mary Sue, like Yulier and Thinker, who had gotten married.
It turns out the seed Kirito had recieved from Kayaba was a program package that will gives anyone who downloads it and owns a server the tools needed to create their very own MMO world. Kirito gave it to Agil and uploaded it to every server in the world, thus reviving the VRMMO genre and giving any person the tools they need to create yet another incident like SAO and ALO. All the game servers, ALO included, become connected to each other to the point that ALO character data eventually become universal data for a single player.
Later that night, Leafa meets up with Kirito in ALO and asks him why he’s not using his SAO!Kirito avatar. He says that that Kirito’s job has ended. Anyway they start doing some dance with some patch that allows hovering, apparently. I don’t know and, as far as I’m concerned, I stopped caring.
Nah, that doesn’t happen. Although I wish it did.
The floating castle Aincrad appears, even though it was seen collapsing and deleted. And for no point other than bragging rights, Kirito decides to clear all 100 floors. Then again, this entire series has no point.
Kirito and Leafa are joined by the good yet unimportant characters, the characters we mostly forgot about, and Yui and what’s-her-face (Yeah, they’re both shit characters that they don’t deserve to be counted in the second category) as they follow them into Aincrad. Moral of this story: Fuck everything in the real world, live your life playing online video games. End of series; Thank God.
Final Thoughts: After watching this and Accel World, I’m fully convinced that Reki Kawahara is some kind of amateur fanfic writer that somehow landed a job writing light novels, because there’s no way anyone can conceive something as wretched as this, even if they tried. I’m absolutely sure he has no ability to write a good story and protagonists without relying on either wish fulfillment, otaku-pandering and/or asspulls, even if his life depended on it. Which is exactly what this entire farce is: One big Wish Fulfillment fanfic. With standards this low, I’m certain even middle schoolers can get a job writing and manage to do it better than this guy. How people can find a series as revolting as this great is far beyond my comprehension. I dare anyone reading this to say I’m wrong. This is the worst anime of the year, and quite possibly the worst thing in existence. I really don’t want to see this show get any sort of continuation at all.
Hey, did Klein ever get that meal?